This Monday, I started off my journey as a helper for the Freshman Team Building camp 3rd run. I had a good time of bonding and fun from the get go. We named our helpers group as Team Foxtrot and had the "What Does The Fox Say" cheer. Many of the Foxies are really enthusiastic to help and to bond together through the camp.
However, I fell sick on the 2nd of 4 days of camp. I got an infection on my throat and even my tongue. I also developed a back pain on my right shoulder blade, and it hasn't been going away even till now, it may be worsening as well. My throat infection was getting quite bad, but by God's grace I managed to facilitate station games, and continued to talk, and the pain got better as I took some lozenges from my friend and lots of water. During the camp, I also lost my bag with important things and valuables. It took many hours, and the mobilization of many from the organizing committee and Team Foxtrot to finally find it.
Just as we were about to break camp, I got to talk with 2 girls in Team Foxtrot. As I shared more about the fellowship I have with SMU Hope Family, I got to know that both of them were from Hope and even knew many people there. Both of them were the most enthusiastic to help and bond among the Foxies as they often stayed up later than any of us to bond and also volunteered to stay back later than any to help. It was really cool to know that they were in Hope and are Christians, just before we boarded separate buses and went on separate ways.
After breaking camp, I went for my FTB C9 outing at Marina Barrage. I really enjoyed the time there as we had a big picnic, celebrated Ethan's birthday together, shared about our recent happenings and joked about many stuff. I'll definitely treasure these friends as we go into our student life in SMU.
Much of all that I've shared thus far, are just my experiences. But behind the scenes, there had been inconceivable things going on.. My aunt isn't well, yet I recently got into a big fight with her just when she started to come to Hope Church and seek God more. My mum is very stressed by various important matters. My dad needs to stand all the more firmly as the pillar of financial support in this season. Some other things happened too, but among them I heard the worse news of my life in my whole 22 years, it was of someone's world crashing(literally) and it was so bad such that it felt like the world was crashing for others too.. It was to the point that the person and others have been affected and crying.
I wanted to cry too, but the tears didn't come. I don't know what to do, why are these bad things happening, one after another, in a short phase of just one week???? Even yesterday, my room door suddenly locked on it's own while I'm outside the room. Even with the key, we had problems opening it, but at midnight when I tried(pulling more and turning), the door finally opened. However a strange sight was that my computer was still showing the desktop screen and not screensaver, even though nobody had entered the room for hours.
I was affected, after all, these things are happening to my family, relatives and closed ones. Things aren't all smooth sailing for me either, I still have my throat infection and back pain, I lack sleep, I left my big camping bag at a bus interchange. I cannot say that I'm not affected, I cannot say that I am not sad. I do question God why, why must things be the way it is? Especially for that worse news I've heard in my life.. But I did not question to the point of going to depression, to tears, to a lost of hope, to feeling betrayed and hurt.. No, God has been too faithful, too loving, too true, I cannot, Cannot, CANNOT stop myself from falling madly in love with Jesus, from running to the embrace of my Heavenly Father, from receiving the Holy Spirit..
I went to Nicole’s 21st with my summer missions group yesterday, we had a great time of fun and bonding till 2 in the morning. I was sick, I was tired, I was affected, yet I looked normal and cheerful. It wasn't the time for me to share with these friends even though they were close to me, as they do not yet knew of the upgraded Hell week that spawned out of nowhere again. I genuinely enjoyed the time of fellowship, and I do need continual fellowship from dear ones in my life and with God. I cannot break down, I cannot lose hope, not when I cannot properly share and explain about these circumstances to people around me, and not when these close ones around me need hope.
Today, as I went for service, the sermon was on seasons in our lives. It talked about recognizing each season, prioritizing maturity in every season, and persevering till the end of each season. As the sermon was shared, it was not as if the words shared did not resonated with me, it did. But I felt a sense of frustration. This story about God's as the silversmith was shared too:
The Refiner's Touch
There was a group of women in a Bible study on the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three they came across verse three which says, "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." This verse puzzled the women and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study. That week the woman called up a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that, in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest so as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot - then she thought again about the verse, that He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. For if the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's the easy part -- when I see my image reflected in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep His hand on you and watch over you until He sees His image in you.
God, have You not molded me over the years? In my NS? Especially over the 8 months since ORD? And that 2.5 weeks that I've been through? Have You not refined me over and over and over and over again? My pride, my love for people, my faith, my hope, my personal struggles, my wisdom, my stewardship, my talents, my intimacy with You.. Have You not molded me, even exponentially towards reflecting Your image? I thought the 2.5 weeks of experience was like a conclusion to how much You have been refining and molding me.. I did not ask and I did not expect for another even worse Hell Week to surface. It isn't even about myself, worlds are crashing down; physical, emotional, financial, spiritual breakdowns, what am I supposed to do God? I get that You've refined me over and over, then now these crazy things have to happen to close ones around me? God, please don't let them break down, if not I may break down too..
After the time of LG fellowship after service, I remembered about the Josiah Assembly that was going on at Paya Lebar Methodist Church at 8pm today. It was near my house, Jeanette and Johanna were going too. However, I would be late if I go for it and I was really quite sick, tired and perhaps affected. I managed to see a doctor to get antibiotics and stuff, and still headed down to the assembly at 9+ in the end.
The assembly was really amazing, people, especially youths came and really laid themselves before God. Many broke out in sincere confessions and in lots of tears, I couldn't helped but cried too. The assembly was a call for us to be set apart for God. It was the theme that God had spoke to me since the start of this year. Initially, I felt that it was a bit redundant to go, since God has already spoken to me to set myself apart, and furthermore I was sick, tired and weighted down. But as I went, and as we really worshiped, prayed, and laid it all down to God, I started letting go of the things that weighted me down, be it just for a moment, and just rejoice, and just dance in the freedom in God's Spirit and Love.. I reminded myself again, that I did set in my heart that there's no turning back, the Cross before me, the world behind me. I had dedicated my life to God, that meant that even when really bad circumstances happens to those around me, I will still continue to dedicate my burdens, my worries, my concerns to God and live for Him. His yoke is gentle, His burden is light, and He deserves my all.
The day before, I woke up and decided to watch a sermon "Banning Liebscher - Falling Deeply In Love With Jesus". It talks about how, we cannot possibly live the Christian life, or transform our nation, unless we give our all and set ourselves apart to Jesus. We can't possibly give our all either, unless we knew how much Jesus gave us and how he so fully loves us. I know His Love to be true in my heart, even amidst these chaos, confusion, pain and storm. So Jesus, I'll continue to set myself apart and give myself to you.. Be my shepherd, lead me through this valley of Baka, and by Your grace make it into a place of springs so that my loved ones may be filled to the overflow with Your Love and Favor too.
