Deep Cries To Deep

Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God. 

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God? 

My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?” 

These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. 

Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?” 

My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

Leading On Empty

I was at Tecman last week, buying a few books for gifts. At the counter, it was my turn in the queue, and I realized that I could get further discount if I got one more book. So I quickly browse through the best-selling books just beside me, and there it was, this book that stood out to me, one I've rarely seen among the Christian books, Leading On Empty.

It was a book about burn out, about how the author experienced it, and took 3 years of rest and re-calibration to come back re-energized in Spirit and propelled to greater level of service. It also talks about how many others like Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther, Charles Spurgeon and even Mother Teresa, go through tenacious, life-sapping melancholy and depression in seasons of their lives. Many characters in the Bible like David, Moses and Isaiah, as well as leaders today experienced it too.

I thought that things were better and well after seeking God and growing deeper in my understanding of Steadfast Joy. But even so, I constantly feel like there's a tiger behind me, waiting to pounce at anytime. And that really was so..

Recently, I started doing telemarketing to share about my mum's education product and book an appointment with Kindergartens. God gave me success to book an appointment with the first Kindergarten I called. Later on, more appointments were made. I knew the lines that I am to say. I knew some will want to know more, and others not. Yet I was tired and anxious before each subsequent call. My hands felt like jelly after calling for a while.

Furthermore, God even blessed the start of our sales. Such that the first 2 Kindergarten appointments were great successes. A Government Kindergarten that will even discuss the product with other branches, a Church Kindergarten that had 6 computers for our software and just happened to be looking for such a curriculum as ours. Yet despite of these blessings, I was still angst to my mum and recently to more others around me.

My mum was doing up a brochure, and after hours of working on it, I blatantly slandered it, pointing out how these and that could have been done better. It was to a point that my mum started crying and I felt terrible. I sit down to edit the whole brochure with her thereafter.

Throughout this whole season, I get impatient, angst, critical and rude to my mum, especially when working and even in rare occasions to others. I realized that I could do the brochure better than my mum, though I've not done it before, that I could prepare a quotation better, despite not preparing one before, and could present the PowerPoint on the product better, despite not presenting before. Yet I vehemently wanted to refuse these responsibilities that she considered to dedicate to me, and when she doesn't do it as well, I become critical and rude. I also get angst when I take up the task to do it too. My mum even pointed out that I've been becoming so easily angst and devoid-ed of joy when I talk to her that I should re-evaluate the things I was doing.

I used to love to prepare, plan and execute for birthdays, I used to love even when I feel offended and am uncomfortable to love a person, I use to go out much more to reach out and to love others in my spheres of life, I used to be much more patient and careful to love my mum, I used to want to serve and mentor others more. And all that I mentioned here, are still things that I still love to do. However, I've been finding myself robbed of joy more often, finding myself anxious and being unable to sleep with a fiercely beating heart, I find myself wanting to be in isolation more, I find myself getting angry and angst more easily. And there are just times and times recently that I just feel like crying, that I just stare at a blank, that I feel unjustifiably helpless (despite of being able to do what I'm set out to do and despite of God's blessing along the way), times when I feel like others don't understand what I'm going through when I myself am not fully sure too.

The reaching out and sowing on others, but not seeing them come closer to God overtime; the sense of feeling under-appreciated while serving and doing things like birthdays preparation; the worries of finances, health and fitness, stewarding things like piano, and daily disciplines like journal-ling, reading the Word, devotions etc; the stress of being tasked to do new things in work like telemarketing, making documents like quotations, translating complicated Chinese etc; feelings of not having others who understand; the sudden low point during NS Camp; these were little things that slowly leached unto me.

I found many of these things I mentioned to be good to me, things that should give joy and grow me. But outbursts of angst, times of feeling empty, feeling like crying, feeling like isolating etc that happened more frequently are perhaps signs that I need to take time to unwind myself.. Perhaps I need to take time to rest my soul and re-calibrate myself.

I may not be a LGL or Pastor, and I may not undergo depressions as severe as David, Paul, Spurgeon and Abraham, which were even to the point of death at times. Furthermore, Han Hui also mentioned in Hope Sem that God allows trials in our lives, to reveal the condition of our faith and grow it as we look to God. However, as I've never felt the way I've been feeling recently, maybe the best thing for me to do in the midst of this season is to put aside the things that may be stressing and affecting me if possible and to really just rest and find restoration in God.

Steadfast Joy

Its been over 2 weeks since I’ve last posted. It’s been a happening 2 weeks, and though it was not an easy period for me, it was one where I drew closer to know the Steadfast Joy that I have in Jesus :)
Steadfast Joy NS Camp experience was special for me personally. The camp itself was different, for though it had a theme of Steadfast Joy, we also had different sessions on purity and thanksgiving, which are not directly related to the theme, but are important and awesome as well. In all my previous camps, I would be ministered and be on fire for God, especially in the 300 Uni Camp, which God greatly blessed through the serving, the healing, worship, sessions and more. However, this camp was different. Instead of feeling charged up and ready to do much more, I actually felt down.

I pray that it is wise for me to share about this to you, and that it would not be stumbling, but encouraging to you. Before sharing more about how the camp went for me, I have to first share more about how 2014 was for me. As you read, do read on to the end.

2014 was a year that I grew so much closer to God, to know His word, to experience more of His love, His power and to also share it to others. It was a year filled with much fellowship, a year that I shared God’s love to those around me, a year that my family came to Hope together and more. 2014 may sound really rosy and fruitful at first glance, but it wasn’t really so.

I was surprised and really joyful when I’m asked to join SEAL, Uni Ministry equipping for upcoming LGLs. On the morning that SEAL commenced, God gave me the verse “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” from Philippians 2:3, and I was really glad of the reminder as it was my prayer the night before. The SEAL sessions and SEAL camp were really great and ministering, you can read more about it on “SEAL-ed for the Day of Redemption” Post. After SEAL, the other brothers became new LGLs to lead in the NS ministry. Though I did not become a LGL, I was ok with it because there were already many leaders in the group. I also felt that it might be better not to lead too soon, as it may make me prideful. I continued on serving and loving, to care for my LG, my family and relatives, to reach out and to love friends and to serve in ways that I can, such as for 300 Uni Camp. It was a period where God grew my capacity to love and to serve, led me and even move through experiences like healing. (’21st // People // 300 // Healing // Victory In Chirst’ Post).

Sometime after Uni Camp, God lead Caleb to serve in His family’s Church. Vincent then came to lead in my LG again. Though I wondered why I wasn’t given the opportunity to co-lead or to lead the LG, I did not voice it out, but continued to serve and love as I have been doing. In the months up to my ORD, I continued to seek God and serve. There was a period where I was punished with confinement for over a month and had to miss out on some service and fellowship. I was feeling quite sian, as I felt more disconnected from the ministry and miss out on times I can come into God's presence in congregational worship. However, it was a period that God molded me in character, a period where God drew me closer to Him, and a period that I got to love and reach out to many more of my camp mates. I was also able to spend time with many other dear friends to love and reach out to them.

During NS Camp, I played the keyboard for worship for the first night. During the session, I made a lot of mistakes, more than even the first practice session. I was also under a lot of unexpected stress, in continuing from the mistakes, in following the band leader’s leading especially after he saw that I wasn’t playing well. I wanted to flow with the Spirit, but the unexpected stress and errors continued on. God blessed our practices, despite of the trying of new things, despite of some being tired and sick, and let us flow with the Spirit as we played. So I really believed that God would blessed this worship session in camp, and God did minister to the people. However it affected me quite a bit, as it was my worse playing and and was more technical than practice sessions, despite being the actual worship.

There was also NS Ministry restructuring, and we formed the ORD LG. I found out that Jordan was co-leading the ORD LG with Gavin. I wasn’t surprised and believed that God wants to use Jordan to lead the group. However I was slightly affected, for I again wondered why I was not given opportunities to co-lead/lead/serve more in the ministry. During the first night, I took real long to fall asleep, and the 3 songs I played for the worship even repeatedly played in my mind, the others around me were all asleep already.

On the 2nd day morning, we had a surprise morning run to East Coast Park. At there, we had a refreshing morning worship with the sunrise, where God reminded me to just be a child that am ministered by His love. Where it’s not about me and what I do, but about Him and how He loves me.

 
However, later in the day, as the people that I reached out to and my sheep who were initially coming today all did not turn up due to various happenings, it affected me. They were people that I care for and want to be drawn closer to God. And though God blessed the times where I got to meet and reached out to them, most of them have not crossed the line to come to know Jesus till now. My sheep Shing Chun came for the camp, but he was unaware of the Mentor/Mentee Appreciation Night. He wanted to appreciate me and even quickly wrote a card for me even though he barely got sleep and the appreciation night was just about to start. However, these happenings where the people I love and reach out to are not coming closer to God, or just can’t come to the camp affected me. There were many times when they seem to take a step forward to know God more, but it then turns out not to be the time yet. It made me ask God why, why did He let them all not come, and not cross the line of faith yet? The seeds are being sowed, and many times seem to be blossoming, but have not blossomed.

Also, in the camp, there were many sacrificial and amazing brothers, like Douglas who was very tired and sick even before camp, but woke up early, driving and carrying many logistics throughout, before and after camp. Edwin, who was a newer believer, but chose to diligent learn to do Sounds, and settled it for us in camp. Horngjye who stayed up at least to 2/3am when others are asleep to continue doing video editings and comm stuff. There were many other brothers, who worked really hard for the camp; without them, the camp might not have been as great as it was. Many of these brothers are in leadership positions, and yet are also serving greatly for the NS Camp, such that it would really tire them out. It made me wondered why they had to serve so much, and yet when I just ORD-ed and avail myself to serve more, I wasn’t given more opportunities to do so. I tried to help out with Logistics, and came earlier before camp and stayed later after camp. However, I was feeling quite horrible with all the thoughts that were going through my mind, so though I really wanted to serve more, my heart was not there and I wasn’t doing it with joy. I was down but I did not yet share about all that was on my mind.

I asked, God you know my prayers to you, my desire for your Word, my heart to really love and see these people come to know you, you molded me, drew me closer to you and molded my capacity to love and serve, so why wasn’t I given the opportunity to lead/serve more in ministry. I asked, why did the worship session turn out so badly personally for me, even though you see my practice and though the practices were progressively better before then. Why didn’t the people I love and reach out to respond yet, and all of them happened to not be able to make it just during this NS Camp. Why am I being put through such a season God? Though there are fruits, the ministry is growing, my family is in Hope, but for me myself, why am I going through such a personal challenge?

I got to share to Vincent and cried. I never felt worse in my walk with God before, because many things happened together that clouded my mind during camp, and I did not get to share it with anybody. But I was comforted as I finally shared it out. He told me that he cannot explain why things are happening the way it is, but he shared with me more about how, even if we know we can’t do things well the way we intended it to be, will we still commit to serving and loving God with our lives? Even if it doesn’t turn out “well”, that is our worship and giving of glory to God. He shared about a Pastor who became a prisoner of war, and was given food by the guards while the others prisoners do not have food. The pastor shared it with the others despite of the little food available. And though he originally preach the Word out there, he now simply shares his food to the others. Yet this is his act of worship to God, and this story touched many people in the world to serve and to give out of what they have.

I felt better after sharing to Vincent, and I knew that God had plans for me, despite of me being in a season that I cannot comprehend. I knew that I have the steadfast joy, that comes from salvation and Jesus. I knew, I knew.. But I couldn’t just brush off all that I felt and all that I had on my mind. However, God revealed to me even more about Steadfast Joy. One instance was through Hope Sem after camp, where Han Hui shared that the gospel (which I see as Steadfast Joy), is not truly completed until Jesus returns, where we can have consummation with Christ. Where sin is gone, where we have full communion with Him in the new Earth. And that is true, if our joy is not rooted in the Hope of Jesus’ coming for us, then our circumstances(finances, family, ministry, struggles etc) can possibly still shake us. But if we hold onto this Hope, it becomes a rock for us, to know that what we go through is not an end, but we still have better, as we eagerly anticipate and yearn for the day of His return! I also thank God for this brother Jordan, who asked to meet me to swim and talk after camp, just before I was about to ask him, and I got to share about it to him and hear more from him too. I thank God for the other brothers who lend me a listening ear too :)

God also showed me that what I went through in camp, was His way for me to learn what Steadfast Joy means. Not through a high or an eureka moment, but through the pain and confusion, that I see more clearly, how Christ is my rock, my cornerstone, my joy :)

God also spoke to me through devotions, His Word and characters in the Bible like Moses and Jesus, more on this Steadfast Joy. Moses felt inadequate, the people grumbled and rebelled against him all day long, yet he faithfully followed God. Moses disobeyed God by striking a rock to make water flow, when God said just to shout to the rock, and as a result he could not enter the Promised Land. Yet he served faithfully to the very end, and I believed he had a steadfast joy, and had a Hope or glimpse of the eternal inheritance God had for him. Jesus humbled himself to be a human just to reach out to us and save us, and the grief and persecution he went through in Matthew 26 & 27 is unbearable, where he asked God three times to take the cup from Him, but still let His will be done, and even cried out on the Cross, Father why have you forsaken me. But because of the joy set before Him, he endured the Cross, such that now we have this Eternal Hope and Steadfast Joy through Him.

I thank God that I’m much better now, it was a period of confusion, pain and stumbling, but I’ve grown deeper in my head and heart knowledge of the Steadfast Joy I have in Jesus. I’ve delve deeper into His Word, and remembered again how amazing His grace is, that I am who I am today. And I eagerly look forward to the work He’ll do in this year where it is The Year Of The Lord’s Favor in Singapore, a year of Jubilee, the SG50 Anniversary :) Even if there may be trying times, God’s grace will still pour out and let this joy in Jesus remain steadfast always. Amen

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

So... It's already 2015! WOOHOO :) And here, you can haz meow meow ^^

It'll be an exciting year, where I go to new life stations, meet new people, pick up new things, continue to steward what I have, love people, share the gospel and walk with Jesus through it all!

My last post was last year, and let's rewind back to Christmas Eve :) We had a NS Ministry Christmas Party at Ernest house, and thank God, many people came, including my first mentee Gan Qi, and Tjun Sern. During the party, our dinner was.. (Drum rollllllllllllllllll) Just Pizza! All guys style :P We had group games too, for the "I Have Never" Game, everyone has to do 10 push ups for each thing they did. It was pretty crazy since there were so many of us, but at least I sabo-ed many when I said "I have never ran 5km or more" (Not sure to be proud or not LOL). Before movie screening, Vincent did a short show and sharing on Christmas. It was great that everyone listened attentively, including the many visitors, as we appreciate what Jesus had done and prayed together. Some of us stayed over, and we watched part 1 of the LotR epic. I was the lone survivor who stayed up all the way and left to walk home at 7+ am; well at least my home was also in Lorong Chuan :P

After crashing my bed on Christmas morning, I got up late in the noon and went for a Christmas family gathering at my aunt's house. As far as I can remember, this is the first Christmas gathering in my extended family. Though we did not sing Carols or share about Jesus, it is a joy that we can come together for such an occasion. I pray that God will continue to move in my family :)

On the 26th morning, I met with some brothers from SEAL and we had brunch at a cafe at Cathay. The food was pricey, but it was good. I had my first Eggs Benedict too



Before the Brunch, I went with Daniel and Yi Yuan to Daiso. Daniel shopped for $10 worth of Christmas gift. And it was really funny, he got a dog toy, and a set of calligraphy tools including the ink stone. Well, we're all just a bunch of jokers and just guys. And that's why it's great that we could come together to share about how we have been, our LG and our lives. Kayue joined in later, and his back was injured from his soccer match. We prayed for him and by God's grace he got better! He had to limp, but after the prayer he didn't have to limp :)

There was also Friends Of Christ Concert at night! It was a concert with many local celebrities. They came together to sing and to share their testimonies. Their testimonies were really really personal and touching, they talked even about the challenges they faced from young, the health issues they had and more. Berlinda Lee even shared her testimony for the first time, to us and to her mum that was there. The singer duo voices were angelic and really ministering too. Only 3 celebrities shared their stories due to time and it was already 10pm. Even if the concert goes on to midnight, I wish I could hear the other stories too :')

The day before service, I met with Zheng Zhang who just joined our LG a month ago. He's in OCS but he even took time to come for LG and for the NS Christmas Party though he just booked out. We had a meal together and shared about how we came to know God. He was encouraged to respond to invite Jesus in his life personally during service's altar call the next day, though he already seeks God and read the Bible. He wants to make a personal response.

And during the service, the message was just so apt! It talked about Jesus coming onto Peter's boat and letting Peter experience a personal miracle, and even giving him a purpose. So during altar call, Zheng Zhang was really ready to respond haha. And as I was also praying for God to bless him, I envisioned his life to be like King David. Where though he was destined to be King, he was treated to be insignificant, persecuted and go through many hardships, yet having a heart after God and becoming the greatest king of Israel. God also spoke to me personally :) In my previous post I mentioned about the sermon "It's Already Written", and talked about how God's goodness and mercy will surely follow us all the days of our lives. It's something that I want to hold onto. Lo and behold, during Worship, a Word was given about this Psalms where David praises God as his shepherd, and says His Goodness and Mercy will surely follow him all the days of his life. It really warmed my heart, as it reminds me once again of how much God loves me and is with me, regardless of where I am.

It's New Year Eve, and I went out with my parents for dinner at Momoji. It's a really awesome Japanese buffet, and the variety was great :) They even had aburi salmon sushi, and their soba was good. As we reserved a table just before coming, we got this special circle table in a circle room. As we were in an enclosed room, I took the opportunity to ask for us to pray together. It was a joy that we could pray together and commit the New Year as a family. It was also then really unexpected, my mother mentioned about me playing games, so I brought up Ninjump Dash(A racing app game). My mum and dad actually went to download it and played a few rounds together. It was a stupid game, but we had laughs together. It was the first time we played games together too :)

Afterwhich, we were going to watch a movie together. So I booked tickets for Seventh Son at Nex for 8.20. There were strangely many seats available even though the movie was released today. We were late so we entered the cinema at 8.50. The commercials were still showing, then I realized that I booked the tickets for 1st Jan 2015 8.20pm.. :l Well, the staff didn't check when he tore our tickets too. Thank God he was also working tomorrow night, so we could just come and go in for the movie tomorrow without hassle.

I went to Robby's house for New Year Eve celebration at night. Initially, some friends couldn't come, but we all rushed down and celebrated the time together. We had fun playing Citadel and also talking about various stuff. We did not set up a fire this year.. But we took photos together and did the GINYU FORCE xD

On the 1st day of 2015, I had a gathering with my ex-LG peeps from SAJC. As I went to Shaun house early, I learned Duel Masters and we had lots of fun as it's pretty strategic. When the others came, we played many games including Citadel and Bridge. We also had pizza, chat and laughs together. I had to leave first to go for the movie that I accidentally booked to be today.. :( The rest also left to grab desserts outside. The 5 hours of meet up felt really short, let's meet up again soon! Preferably before Uni starts again! Oh, and when I went to watch the movie, one of the commercials featured an upcoming movie called "Shaun The Sheep"! LOL it's funny cuz Shaun was my sheep/mentee before NS and we just had a gathering together :)

Btw, the Seventh Son was a really bad movie. The characters aren't likable, the plot was very predictable and many things don't make sense and.. Bottom line is, only watch it if you want to see some mystic creatures and scenery.

Just yesterday, we had Project Sparkle where we interact with residents and help to clean their houses. The grandma was resting so she was tired. She was also feeling unwell, but she was still so hospitable. She talked with us and gave us green tea and sliced fruits to eat. She happened to be a Christian too! As the house was cleaner than mine, we finished in an hour. Thumbs up for job well done, and we also prayed for her wellness and health. We went to Block 7 to clean corridors and ended the time with a meal at Army Market. I hope the other residents and Project Sparkle volunteers were blessed through the time yesterday too :)

After the meal, I met with Douglas, Nicholas, Marvin and Jun Lin to go for NS Camp Worship Prep at Jun Lin's house at Admiralty. On the journey, some of us KO as we were tired, Jun Lin was still full of energy as he was singing all the way, but he was really hungry after that haha. Douglas was not just really tired, but unwell as well. He had severe Heatiness (even snorting out blood), fever a while back, migraine on one side of his head and accumulated sleep debt from NS duty and high keys. I was really tired too, as I rushed to help my mum to do a presentation till 5am the night before. But thank God for these brothers for this impromptu worship practice! They were more well-prepared in their roles than I was with the keyboard, but they still gathered for one more session before camp. We had a really fruitful session, with laughs, fellowship, worship and improvising. We also prayed for Douglas, and I felt a really tangible warmth on my hands that extended all the way to my elbows as we prayed. It was the first time that I feel such a sensation while praying for someone to receive healing. Douglas told us that his head was 60% healed and that phlegm kept coming out which also means he is recovering. Praise God :) I believe that God will bless our worship in camp!

It's just 4 more days to NS Camp! Really excited for it, and it also feels unreal that's its only a few days away, as it's been a while since I had a camp. Really excited for the many brothers that are joining, including new Year 1s; and for the upcoming ORD LG too :) Also starting Hope Sem Bible Study for the first time tomorrow, and with my mum too! My mum still needs much help in her business, and to help her, I need to step out a lot from my comfort to learn software, and do things that I've not tried. Despite financial problems, God's been blessing the StarArk Biz. So we can begin to market and sell this language E-learning product along with this new year! Will also start working after CNY and am excited for all that's in stored in this year with God. Have a blessed New Year too :)