Steadfast Joy

Its been over 2 weeks since I’ve last posted. It’s been a happening 2 weeks, and though it was not an easy period for me, it was one where I drew closer to know the Steadfast Joy that I have in Jesus :)
Steadfast Joy NS Camp experience was special for me personally. The camp itself was different, for though it had a theme of Steadfast Joy, we also had different sessions on purity and thanksgiving, which are not directly related to the theme, but are important and awesome as well. In all my previous camps, I would be ministered and be on fire for God, especially in the 300 Uni Camp, which God greatly blessed through the serving, the healing, worship, sessions and more. However, this camp was different. Instead of feeling charged up and ready to do much more, I actually felt down.

I pray that it is wise for me to share about this to you, and that it would not be stumbling, but encouraging to you. Before sharing more about how the camp went for me, I have to first share more about how 2014 was for me. As you read, do read on to the end.

2014 was a year that I grew so much closer to God, to know His word, to experience more of His love, His power and to also share it to others. It was a year filled with much fellowship, a year that I shared God’s love to those around me, a year that my family came to Hope together and more. 2014 may sound really rosy and fruitful at first glance, but it wasn’t really so.

I was surprised and really joyful when I’m asked to join SEAL, Uni Ministry equipping for upcoming LGLs. On the morning that SEAL commenced, God gave me the verse “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” from Philippians 2:3, and I was really glad of the reminder as it was my prayer the night before. The SEAL sessions and SEAL camp were really great and ministering, you can read more about it on “SEAL-ed for the Day of Redemption” Post. After SEAL, the other brothers became new LGLs to lead in the NS ministry. Though I did not become a LGL, I was ok with it because there were already many leaders in the group. I also felt that it might be better not to lead too soon, as it may make me prideful. I continued on serving and loving, to care for my LG, my family and relatives, to reach out and to love friends and to serve in ways that I can, such as for 300 Uni Camp. It was a period where God grew my capacity to love and to serve, led me and even move through experiences like healing. (’21st // People // 300 // Healing // Victory In Chirst’ Post).

Sometime after Uni Camp, God lead Caleb to serve in His family’s Church. Vincent then came to lead in my LG again. Though I wondered why I wasn’t given the opportunity to co-lead or to lead the LG, I did not voice it out, but continued to serve and love as I have been doing. In the months up to my ORD, I continued to seek God and serve. There was a period where I was punished with confinement for over a month and had to miss out on some service and fellowship. I was feeling quite sian, as I felt more disconnected from the ministry and miss out on times I can come into God's presence in congregational worship. However, it was a period that God molded me in character, a period where God drew me closer to Him, and a period that I got to love and reach out to many more of my camp mates. I was also able to spend time with many other dear friends to love and reach out to them.

During NS Camp, I played the keyboard for worship for the first night. During the session, I made a lot of mistakes, more than even the first practice session. I was also under a lot of unexpected stress, in continuing from the mistakes, in following the band leader’s leading especially after he saw that I wasn’t playing well. I wanted to flow with the Spirit, but the unexpected stress and errors continued on. God blessed our practices, despite of the trying of new things, despite of some being tired and sick, and let us flow with the Spirit as we played. So I really believed that God would blessed this worship session in camp, and God did minister to the people. However it affected me quite a bit, as it was my worse playing and and was more technical than practice sessions, despite being the actual worship.

There was also NS Ministry restructuring, and we formed the ORD LG. I found out that Jordan was co-leading the ORD LG with Gavin. I wasn’t surprised and believed that God wants to use Jordan to lead the group. However I was slightly affected, for I again wondered why I was not given opportunities to co-lead/lead/serve more in the ministry. During the first night, I took real long to fall asleep, and the 3 songs I played for the worship even repeatedly played in my mind, the others around me were all asleep already.

On the 2nd day morning, we had a surprise morning run to East Coast Park. At there, we had a refreshing morning worship with the sunrise, where God reminded me to just be a child that am ministered by His love. Where it’s not about me and what I do, but about Him and how He loves me.

 
However, later in the day, as the people that I reached out to and my sheep who were initially coming today all did not turn up due to various happenings, it affected me. They were people that I care for and want to be drawn closer to God. And though God blessed the times where I got to meet and reached out to them, most of them have not crossed the line to come to know Jesus till now. My sheep Shing Chun came for the camp, but he was unaware of the Mentor/Mentee Appreciation Night. He wanted to appreciate me and even quickly wrote a card for me even though he barely got sleep and the appreciation night was just about to start. However, these happenings where the people I love and reach out to are not coming closer to God, or just can’t come to the camp affected me. There were many times when they seem to take a step forward to know God more, but it then turns out not to be the time yet. It made me ask God why, why did He let them all not come, and not cross the line of faith yet? The seeds are being sowed, and many times seem to be blossoming, but have not blossomed.

Also, in the camp, there were many sacrificial and amazing brothers, like Douglas who was very tired and sick even before camp, but woke up early, driving and carrying many logistics throughout, before and after camp. Edwin, who was a newer believer, but chose to diligent learn to do Sounds, and settled it for us in camp. Horngjye who stayed up at least to 2/3am when others are asleep to continue doing video editings and comm stuff. There were many other brothers, who worked really hard for the camp; without them, the camp might not have been as great as it was. Many of these brothers are in leadership positions, and yet are also serving greatly for the NS Camp, such that it would really tire them out. It made me wondered why they had to serve so much, and yet when I just ORD-ed and avail myself to serve more, I wasn’t given more opportunities to do so. I tried to help out with Logistics, and came earlier before camp and stayed later after camp. However, I was feeling quite horrible with all the thoughts that were going through my mind, so though I really wanted to serve more, my heart was not there and I wasn’t doing it with joy. I was down but I did not yet share about all that was on my mind.

I asked, God you know my prayers to you, my desire for your Word, my heart to really love and see these people come to know you, you molded me, drew me closer to you and molded my capacity to love and serve, so why wasn’t I given the opportunity to lead/serve more in ministry. I asked, why did the worship session turn out so badly personally for me, even though you see my practice and though the practices were progressively better before then. Why didn’t the people I love and reach out to respond yet, and all of them happened to not be able to make it just during this NS Camp. Why am I being put through such a season God? Though there are fruits, the ministry is growing, my family is in Hope, but for me myself, why am I going through such a personal challenge?

I got to share to Vincent and cried. I never felt worse in my walk with God before, because many things happened together that clouded my mind during camp, and I did not get to share it with anybody. But I was comforted as I finally shared it out. He told me that he cannot explain why things are happening the way it is, but he shared with me more about how, even if we know we can’t do things well the way we intended it to be, will we still commit to serving and loving God with our lives? Even if it doesn’t turn out “well”, that is our worship and giving of glory to God. He shared about a Pastor who became a prisoner of war, and was given food by the guards while the others prisoners do not have food. The pastor shared it with the others despite of the little food available. And though he originally preach the Word out there, he now simply shares his food to the others. Yet this is his act of worship to God, and this story touched many people in the world to serve and to give out of what they have.

I felt better after sharing to Vincent, and I knew that God had plans for me, despite of me being in a season that I cannot comprehend. I knew that I have the steadfast joy, that comes from salvation and Jesus. I knew, I knew.. But I couldn’t just brush off all that I felt and all that I had on my mind. However, God revealed to me even more about Steadfast Joy. One instance was through Hope Sem after camp, where Han Hui shared that the gospel (which I see as Steadfast Joy), is not truly completed until Jesus returns, where we can have consummation with Christ. Where sin is gone, where we have full communion with Him in the new Earth. And that is true, if our joy is not rooted in the Hope of Jesus’ coming for us, then our circumstances(finances, family, ministry, struggles etc) can possibly still shake us. But if we hold onto this Hope, it becomes a rock for us, to know that what we go through is not an end, but we still have better, as we eagerly anticipate and yearn for the day of His return! I also thank God for this brother Jordan, who asked to meet me to swim and talk after camp, just before I was about to ask him, and I got to share about it to him and hear more from him too. I thank God for the other brothers who lend me a listening ear too :)

God also showed me that what I went through in camp, was His way for me to learn what Steadfast Joy means. Not through a high or an eureka moment, but through the pain and confusion, that I see more clearly, how Christ is my rock, my cornerstone, my joy :)

God also spoke to me through devotions, His Word and characters in the Bible like Moses and Jesus, more on this Steadfast Joy. Moses felt inadequate, the people grumbled and rebelled against him all day long, yet he faithfully followed God. Moses disobeyed God by striking a rock to make water flow, when God said just to shout to the rock, and as a result he could not enter the Promised Land. Yet he served faithfully to the very end, and I believed he had a steadfast joy, and had a Hope or glimpse of the eternal inheritance God had for him. Jesus humbled himself to be a human just to reach out to us and save us, and the grief and persecution he went through in Matthew 26 & 27 is unbearable, where he asked God three times to take the cup from Him, but still let His will be done, and even cried out on the Cross, Father why have you forsaken me. But because of the joy set before Him, he endured the Cross, such that now we have this Eternal Hope and Steadfast Joy through Him.

I thank God that I’m much better now, it was a period of confusion, pain and stumbling, but I’ve grown deeper in my head and heart knowledge of the Steadfast Joy I have in Jesus. I’ve delve deeper into His Word, and remembered again how amazing His grace is, that I am who I am today. And I eagerly look forward to the work He’ll do in this year where it is The Year Of The Lord’s Favor in Singapore, a year of Jubilee, the SG50 Anniversary :) Even if there may be trying times, God’s grace will still pour out and let this joy in Jesus remain steadfast always. Amen