Goodbye Mayo 🐈

It's already 1.00am in the morning. I'm supposed to be working on a heavy project for which I have to present for 1.5 hours at Nielsen tomorrow. But I'm not doing that. Let me rewind to what happened 8 hours ago.

It was 5.00pm and I was still rushing my marketing project on facial care. I felt like dead meat, because I knew I needed at least another 12 hours of work to complete the project in order to present the next day. What hit me harder, was when my mum texted my family and said that my cat, Mayo, had cancer.

Mayo had been suffering from gastrointestinal problem for two to three months. While we brought Mayo to the vet a few times, each time, the doctor would prescribe different medicines, but Mayo would only become slightly better or have no improvement. Mayo started to stagger in the way she walked. She could no longer jump. She was no longer that playful. But Mayo still greeted me whenever I'm home. Her eyes would lit up, she would meow again and again, stagger over to me, and brush her body against me again and again and again...

Last night, I was back home past midnight and I was weary because of the overtime work I had. But I greeted Mayo, who came and brush herself over me. I always had sensitive skin, so I avoided touching Mayo with my hands, because my hands could become very itchy. But sometimes I still do, just because touching Mayo means showing more affection to her.

Then today at 5.00pm, I received the shock of my life at my work desk. Mayo had cancer, and because Mayo was in pain, but was under anesthesia then, the vet recommended for Mayo to be euthanized and put to sleep then. While my family was still at a loss, my mum made the decision to let Mayo be put to sleep... Mayo breathed her last, and it was so heart-wrenching to see her lifeless... But the Vet said she passed on in the most peaceful and relaxed way possible.

The full reality of the loss had not sunk in yet. I still continued to rush my work, until my hunger was too much, and I left the office to buy dinner home. On my way back, I began to collect all the pictures I had of Mayo. The more I collected, the more my chest began to ache, and the more my gut felt sick. As I reached home, I sit in my room and continued to collect the pictures.

I listened to my Praise & Worship playlist on Spotify. As I listened, and dedicated an album and post for Mayo, the full blunt of the loss hit me. I lied on my bed and sobbed. When I got out of bed, I continued to sob terribly, and I continued to cry all the way till it was almost 12.00am...

Why God WHY?

Why did it had to be so sudden...

Why didn't I get to say goodbye?

Why didn't I spend more time with Mayo last night, and patted and hugged Mayo?

Why God Why...

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In the midst of all the pain and grief. God was with me. He was actually comforting me, telling me that it is okay to grief, telling me that His love never fails and He loves Mayo too. More than that, by the end of the night, He even gave me a peace of heart, and assured me that I could let go and be assured that Mayo has returned to be with Jesus and my Heavenly Father. I know I sound crazy. But let me exactly what happened amidst all of this grief.

God assured me of His presence and of Mayo's peaceful passing through 3 signs:


1.
The first was really dumb. I was copying photos of Mayo from my phone onto my computer. As I copied over, there was suddenly an error in the copying. The error message showed this:

Yeah whuuut? CATastrophic failure? How did it even happened, I'm just copy-pasting files! I tried copying over again, and this time the photos could be transferred without hassle.

2.
The second thing that God did was that He comforted me through my Spotify Praise & Worship playlist. I had 160 songs on the playlist, of which at least close to 1/3 of the songs are more uplifting and happy. But as I left the playlist playing on random, all the songs that played on for the next few hours that I was griefing, were all more emo in nature. It include songs such as "More Than Enough", "Mention of Your Name" and "Even When It Hurts".

My brother himself exclaimed that the songs that I was playing were all pretty dam emo. As I realized this, I suddenly received an impression that the next song that will be played is "Do It Again". Lo and behold, after 3 seconds, the next song that played was "Do It Again", which is a song about crying out to God that He really is a good and loving God, amidst what seems like bitter distress. As the song played, I continued to pray, and as I did I began to feel God unwinding my heart. I felt His assurance that He knows how I feel, and that He loves me and Mayo even more than I myself do.

When the song ended, I felt like my sorrow had largely been lifted. And the next song that played was "Thank You Lord", which was a song that expresses thanks to God amidst the good and the bad times. My heart felt the same, and I felt like I could give thanks to God amidst Mayo's sudden passing. The next song that played was the praise song "This Is Living" now. It was so upbeat and uplifting, and I really felt alive and joyful again! And that joy came from knowing that God was with me and He is comforting me.

3.
God did not stop there. He left the biggest surprise to me, and even to my mum and brother at the end. I was really hungry since 5.00pm, but I lost the hunger when the grief started to kick in. I grieved and did not eat my dinner until it was 12.00am, which was after I felt more comforted over Mayo's death. As I ate my dinner, I continued on with the anime I last watched, Made in Abyss, and watched the final episode, episode 13.

As I watched it, I was ambushed by the story and the emotions that came with it. Of all the 2000s to 3000s of anime episodes I watched, I have never watched a single episode, that was on the euthanasia of a beloved friend. But Made in Abyss episode 13 was exactly that. It shared the tragedy between 2 friends, one whom suffered to the point of losing her humanity and was in physical pain. At the end of the episode, the friend who was suffering could finally rest in peace, and there was peaceful closure that this friend was in a better place.

No one could have placed this episode, out of the 10,000s or 100,000s anime episodes in the world, right in my face, immediately after I have grieved for the past few hours over my cat's euthanasia... Jesus, it can only be you who let it happened. My mum and my brother also happened to seat beside me to watch an anime (For The Very First Time). They were both grieving too, and were amazed when the anime showed the similar pain and situation that we were going through.



The lost I felt for Mayo was real. Otherwise, I would not have been at a lost, and then bawling like a baby for a few hours.

But God... Thank you for being so personal, to be there to comfort me, when I did not know what to do, when I was so hurt and confused. Thank you for answering me as I prayed to you. And thank you for letting me know that Mayo is in a better place now, that she has returned to you, my Heavenly Father, who have created everything and have loved us so dearly that you sent your one and only Son, Jesus, to die for our sin...

Indeed Lord, you are a God who loves us from the beginning. And although sin has separated us from you; shutting us from hearing your voice and making us rebel against you, you did not stop there. You chose to pay for our sin on the Cross, so that we do not have to pay the penalty of sin, which is eternal separation from you and eternal spiritual death. Indeed, in your word, you said:

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

Lord, you do not want any of us to be eternally separated from you. But you want us to come back to you, to receive your forgiveness, and to regain our identities as your sons and daughters. You will return to Earth again in time, and you will make everything right, removing all pain, all injustice, and all sufferings... But until then, you are patient and do not want anyone of us to perish... 

So, even today, even right now, you are continually calling out to each of us who are lost, to turn back to you. 

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Jesus, thank you that when we believe in you, that you died for our sin, we can now receive eternal life and know your love for us. 

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To you who are reading this post, whatever that I have written is true, and what I wrote is also an outpouring of my heart. Today, if you feel moved; and you feel Jesus calling you to know him, do not harden your heart. But take a step of faith to pray and say:

"Yes, Jesus I may not know you yet. But I feel you calling me, and I want to receive eternal life and receive your love for me."

If you want to receive Jesus as your savior, say these words and mean them in your heart:

"Lord Jesus, for too long I’ve kept you out of my life. I know that I am a sinner and that I cannot save myself. No longer will I close the door when I hear you knocking. By faith I gratefully receive your gift of salvation. I am ready to trust you as my Lord and Savior. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for coming to earth. I believe you are the Son of God who died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead on the third day. Thank you for bearing my sins and giving me the gift of eternal life. I believe your words are true. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus, and be my Savior. Amen."

If you found my story to be amazing and want to hear more, do reach out to me! Or if you want to know more about Jesus and why I believe He is not only real in my life, but historically, and logically, truly the Son of God, reach out to me through a text or meet up too! I would love to share with you more (Phone: 90027623)

Peace be with you ✋

Reflections

It has been a long time since I've last blogged. After seeing the thoughts a friend of mine penned down, I felt this strong urge to just blog again.

Life has came to a place where it feels like a motion. While there are events, and things that God has spoken to me, each day still passes by as I go about with my meetings and routine.

2 things in the Bible came to my mind:

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances;for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) 

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)

These verses give perspective about how we can live our lives in light of God's goodness.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 talks about how we may go through different circumstances in life, but it is God's will that we should rejoice always, stay in prayer and give thanks. I believe that this would also lead us towards a more Spirit- & Joy-filled life, and remind me of God's fingerprints over my life. In order to give thanks at all times, I believe it is good to remember what God has done for me, and hence blogging has its value in reflection.

Matthew 6:33 talks about how should as a response seek first the things of God, which is His kingdom and righteousness because we know He is our Heavenly Father. However, what does it mean to seek first His kingdom and righteousness in our lives? As I passed through each day without much time of reflection, there can be things that God has spoken to me to work on, but without taking the time to pen down what God has showed me, I may forget what is it that He would like me to seek first and instead simply pass each day by. 

The inertia and fear to blog is high. I feel like I have no idea what to reflect and write about, because its been so long since I practiced reflection, and it has been over 1.5 years since I last blogged. Yet, I will do so, and I hope that more than anything, this little reflection post may point me towards God and His will in my life. 

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Most recently, what I've became most convicted about, is that beyond anything else, knowing Christ (As A Relationship) is the most important goal for myself and for many other Christians. We may know about the Trinity, and we may know that Christ died for our sins. But how many of us actually live each day with a keen awareness of God's presence with us? How many of us live with a heart that listens and follows the guidance of the Holy Spirit? I believe this is meant to be a reality for all believers. For Jesus said, "Unless I go to the Father, the Holy Spirit will not come to guide you in all truth" and He also said "My sheep hear my voice, and they know me". 

I am not experiencing or taking hold of this perspective as a living reality for myself as of yet. I spend a lot of times on games, exercising, meetings... But I've not fully grasp what it meant that I can hear God speaking to me each day and spend intimate moments with Him.

I went for the workshop "Hearing God's Voice" by Kenny Rason Tan and was really blessed by it. Not because of much theological lessons, but because of simple truths that Kenny shared of God's desire to speak to us, and how Kenny himself oozed with this Spirit of being a Son before his Heavenly Father, and have this continual composure of resting in the Holy Spirit. He shared many testimonies of how God spoke and spoke again to his life, like about BGR, about family, about ministry and work... And how God also spoke through Kenny in order to minister to many others too. Kenny also prophesied for me in the workshop and I was blessed by it. One of the prophecies was that He saw me going through a period of great confusion, but I was hanging on to God, and now God wants to clear that cloud of confusion with a blessing of clarity. I was blessed by that because just in that month, I was really confused and disappointed about many things in my life, including health, relationships, studies, work and spiritual life. Just when Kenny prophesied this, it was when I felt I was starting to receive more peace and clarity in my life, including knowing where God intended to place me for my internship in summer!

I am blessed by this workshop, and I want to embrace more about what it means to live life to the fullest in Christ, and that fullest in Christ entails an intimate relationship with God each day, and being led by His Spirit. Part of it perhaps, come from learning to still my heart more, and can come in the form of doing reflections or journal-ling what I feel God is speaking to me. 

I am going to intern at Nielsen as a Marketing Analytics Intern and it starts in July! It will be all the way until December which is a really long time. 

"Lord, I may be easily caught up by many things even in this holidays, by games and what not, but I pray that that you may help me to understand and live out what it means to journey with you each day. Let work not just be work, and rest just be rest. But teach me your will, teach me to hear your voice intimately, and show me your purposes in the next half a year ahead. You have already been unveiling more things, such as by placing me in a new Uni Outreach group, or by giving me the opportunity to fellowship with Yue Ann and visit for the Homeless Hearts outreach. I pray that I may remember, and act upon these things. Though I am not blogging a lot now, I still appreciate this time that I'm just typing down my thoughts, to myself and to You. May Your Spirit already be stirring and speaking to me as I do so. I feel a sense of peace from You assuring that You are with me and that You are glad that I take time to reflect and seek after You. Continue to guide me Lord, and teach me what it means to reflect, to still my heart, and lead me to know you more, Jesus! Amen"

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Before ending off this blog, I feel like talking about relationships. I'm at a place that I'm still discovering about relationships with friends about me. I value fellowship a lot and view fellowship as "spending time together and pointing each other towards Christ". Hence, fellowship can be just a meal together, but we share Godly perspectives to each other, share our struggles, or pray for one another. There is the element of pointing each other towards God in it. 

I value fellowship a lot, but I feel like I do not see it happening much in the relationships around me; such as in Lifegroup. While this could be due to people not finding fellowship important, I guess it could also have to do with other aspects of relationships as well. I guess, even if everyone are believers, when we gather together, the element of trust and vulnerability matters much, and without it, it is difficult for fellowship to take place. As we grow to understand that we are sinners and that our worth is found in Christ, I believe that element of trusting and sharing vulnerably will become easier. 

The other aspect in relationship is that of just enjoying and being mindless around each other. It is something that I really do not appreciate much, especially in a Church community. But I'm coming to realize that being able to be mindless together does matters. It means that I can be myself, not in the sense of trusting others to share my deep secrets or struggles, but the sense that I do not have to filter and I can enjoy company with friends that I can laugh naturally, whine naturally, and cry naturally with. (I'm probably saying really elementary stuff about relationships here to y'all) But I'm realizing that this aspect of relationship is indeed important, and that without this, it is indeed true that close relationships and fellowship can be harder to be formed as well. This mindlessness can deter fellowship, but out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks, and if both parties desire to know Christ and live for Him, fellowship will occur in the midst of all the chilling. 

All in all, I just come to an understanding that fellowship cannot be the only thing that matters in relationships. For a relationship to thrive, God has to be in it, but building trust and being able to chill mindlessly together does matters too. I hope to develop all 3 aspects, especially that of chilling together with others even more as I continue to relate with those around me.

Term 2 Week 1

After Promises Camp, it was the new year, and the new school term would start again on Monday! I was excited to journey in this new term with God, believing that He would led me in new friendships, new learning, and that He is doing a great work in this year ahead.

One of my worries was the Cambodia OCSP that me and a few others were leading. We only got news that we were leading it later in December, and there were concerns about whether everyone can commit, about what the preparation for the OCSP will be like, what leading a group of students for the first time will be like? Beyond the just doing a community service project, this OCSP had meaning to me. The 2 previous runs of it were initiated mainly by Hope people, and last year they even went to the same village that me and my mission team went in May. I'm excited to go back to Cambodia to meet the friends and people there, and also to do this whole OCSP with a spirit of excellence and love, that new friendships will be form, and more will come to know God's love. Do pray for me and the OCSP, the leadership team has not been confirmed, and all the leaders including me are inexperienced. But let this be a great work and may you lead each step of the way God :)

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On the eve of the new term, I planned to recuperate at home, to spend quality time with God, to blog, to exercise.. But right after my morning QT, Ernest spontaneously asked me out for lunch, followed by a spontaneous invite to play mahjong with Nicholas, Maisie and their friend. It was a great and enjoyable time! I didn't get to blog and exercise in the end, but it felt great to let God lead me to where to go, who to meet, what to do. And at night, I texted Tjun Sern, we had not talked for a while and praise God, he is keen to visit Hope again! Today, he just said yes, so me and Ernest will be lunching and going to service with him. Thank you Jesus.

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Monday, I met with the SMU Year 1 brothers to lunch in school. Pei Da said he could not make it, but thank God we all managed to gather together as we kick off this new school term! Brothers let's spur and encourage one another as we journey with God and go through SMU :)

My first class was Marketing, I met this dude called Delfin, it's pretty cool cuz we were both year 1 biz and we knew we wanted to pursue Marketing. I then had Creative Thinking (Yes! Can lepak and have fun LOL). And it's also cool that me and Alicia are in the same class. I first met Alicia when Freshman Teambuilding Orientation ended, then we were in the same Stats class in term 1. She also joined for Ravi Zacharias' sharing, and it's great to be in the same Creative Thinking class now.

After class, me and Ming Quan met with PD to have "dinner", and planned to celebrate PD's 22nd together with a surprise with the rest of SALG. PD was surprised but kind of expressionless cuz he was shag, which was really funny! We ended up having a Déjà vu of last year's celebration for him. We ate at Nihon Mura again, and then took an almost identical photo outside Cathay! Also bumped into Amos, and it's really cool that we wore matching clothes haha.

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Tuesday came, and I was have lunch together with my LG right during the first week of school! Me and PD were preassigned to the same Financial Accounting class, which is really amazing since we were preassigned to the same Business Law class last term, and preassigned in the same OG during orientation. 

 

My school has a toastmaster club, and they held a visiting session and I just heard of it today, but really thank God that I went for it today, was just thinking of checking it out and Dominic(who's the ex-president of the club and in Hope) also say just go see. Just before the session, I was surprised when our LG spontaneously gathered at HQ because we rarely see each other together at HQ. They also wanted to dinner so I thought I'll just eat with them because I treasure the time with them. But after they encouraged me to just go for the toastmaster session, I went and I really thank God I did.

At the session, my heart went Bump Bump Bump Bump, and I had a really good cardio workout through the session. When I got arrowed to talk, I kept pausing and did not know what to say, but somehow, as I spoke I was no longer nervous and could converse more naturally.

The most blessed thing was to meet with brother Hai Xiang who was also visiting Toastmasters. When talked and exchanged numbers. As the session went on, he noted that my WhatsApp status was "Loved by the King" and he asked about it. I shared with him that I was loved by Jesus, who is God and my King. He asked me about the Church I go to, even invited me to a Church. I then found out that he came from China to study in SMU, and was exploring to know God and find the meaning of life. I got to share my journey to know God with him and also took train home all the way to Serangoon with him. He is keen to come to Hope, and I really pray that he may come to know God and come to Hope soon.

I even met a BMT-mate who was in my platoon, and he was in toastmasters too. He was the most bullied and was autistic, and still is, but I was in awed when he first started presenting impromptuly. I'm glad that he found this place in SMU where there are people that help him and do not put him down or reject him just because he may not communicate or understand the way people do. I haven't got to talk to him, but am trying to get his number or will talk to him again.

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Wednesday came, and I had Management Communication class. Me and Sharmaine were in the same class! She's a junior in SALG and visited Hope for sometime too. I have not got to talk to her much. But I believe that it's not coincidence that God placed us in the same class and even in the same randomized project group too.

I don't know why but I really felt prompted that I would bump into Prof Rani, and I really did right after class! I have not seen her ever since Leadership Teambuilding class ended on week 12 last semester. She shared with me about some stuff that's been happening recently, about how God blessed her and asked me to continue to pray for her. It was a really short talk but it felt like God arranged it.

At night, I met with Hai Xiang (the brother I met at Toastmasters) for dinner. It was a little bit awkward, but we enjoyed the time of sharing. He also asked me questions about the Bible and about God! He wanted to hang out more and may be free to visit Hope this coming Saturday :)

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Thursday was my Business-Government-Society class and LG day. It turns out that me and Hong Xuan, are in the same class and project group again. Me, him and PD were in the same Business Law project group previously, and he also joined my LG for an MLG. In the middle of class, the prof saw my nametent and exclaimed "Joel Isaiah. Wow, your name is very prophetic." I was stunned. Last semester, Prof Rani also said the exact same line to me when I first attended her class. It turns out my prof was a Christian and I can tell he is someone that rationalizes and really pursue the truth. Really excited for future weeks in this class :)

It's been a while since we had a normal LG, and it was really refreshing! You Yue just came back from UK and it was his first LG with us in a while. I'm thankful for this spiritual family who took most of the LG time to hear me and Shing Chun's concern for the OCSP. We also recapped about camp, look further into the book of Nehemiah, and want to claim as Nehemiah did that "I am doing a great work, and I cannot come down".

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TGIF it's Friday! And it's the day that I have no classes :) After not meeting my tutee Wei Qin for a long while, we finally found a day and met today. I taught him for almost an extra hour again. It was already 9+ then. But we continued to talk, with him sharing about his concern for his studies and future, and about the hurts and bullying he experienced. As we talked more, I shared with him a lot about God's love, about sin and about Jesus. He shared that he did go to Churches. He lost faith but he believes there is God. I prayed for him and it was midnight by then. In the right time, I pray God will draw him closer and also minister to his hurts and the bullying in school that he is facing. Looking forward to our future tuition and maybe to him coming to Hope too.

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Saturday came and we had Project Sparkle! We cleaned Uncle Lim's house and talked to him. He is a Buddhist, but we prayed and blessed him. He thinks Christians are very good, I pray that he may come to know God too.

The SMU guys had a Gender-Focused-Group gathering, where we BBQ-ed grass-fed steaks and had much more delicious food as we talked and play cards. Really thank God for Bojie and Asril, for planning, preparing, hosting and executing all these! I also got to talk more with Henry where we shared our new year aspirations. Henry is Dominic's friend, that I happened to meet and fellowship a few times with last year. He is still exploring the Christian faith, and he is keen to join me for the Cambodia OCSP :)

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Sunday! And yes I'm finally nearing the end of the post. It's 3:16 am already haha! I got to recuperate at home today. Got to learn to manage my finance recording better, start my day with God, finish my Financial Accounting homework, and finally exercised again. I sinned today, but God continued to ravish me with His love and grace. 2016 - Christ is enough, no turning back.

I also really wanna thank God, because today my friend Tjun Sern confirmed that he is coming next Saturday for lunch and Uni service! Hai Xiang may come as well. You Yue's friend is also coming on Saturday. And Alicia suddenly initiated to catch up. We could not find a time to meet neither tomorrow, nor Wednesday. When she asked if Thursday was good, I invited her for dinner and LG. And praise God, she is coming on Thursday! She is scared that LG will be awkward, but I pray that she may feel welcomed and that God may continue to draw her to Him.

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Phew, finally ended the post, and it's all just about 1 week in school! Things will get busier, so I'm thankful that I got to blog all of these today! Let me continue to abide in you Christ, and may you take me on this amazing journey. It'll be tougher and busier than last semester, but let me say "I am doing a great work, and I will not come down". Amen

Promises Camp 2015

Promises Camp 2015 was amazing, just as what the camp is called. It was all about God's promises. As Zelanie said, what made this camp different was that what God was dropping in our hearts were not just seeds, but they are firm anchors, God's promises that will never fail.

Promises Camp was also amazing because of this spirit of unity among the Hope Uni family. I really felt our hearts to serve one another and seek God together. It was really so amazing when we countdown to worship and praise God as we welcomed the new year together. I also loved how our LG got to spend so much quality and fun time together,we had Sushi Go, devotions and lots of life sharing to each other.

I came to the camp without fasting, and while I set a few objectives, I was excited, not knowing how the camp will be. Through the camp, I did not expect to serve for all the lunch and dinner, from collection to distribution to clearing the rubbish. I enjoyed serving, but fatigue certainly build up. During the Promise of Love session, I was often falling asleep, even during worship. I told God that I do not want to fall asleep, but listen and know His love. Then He reminded me that I had a few chewing gums in my bag. I chewed on it happily, feeling loved and could stay awake for the rest of the session. The testimonies shared were not about material blessings, nor breakthroughs, but really difficulty, valley low moments. Yet, they were so powerful and I teared while Chloe and Tim shared. Indeed, God your love never fails. As I looked back, never once did you leave me, nor forsake me, and you even answered me every single time I was at my low moments. I am loved.

Lol, I just talked about session 3, let's talk about session 1. The Promise of Salvation shared by Pastor Jeff was amazing. If there's one thing, it is to know how bad we were or still are, and how good God really is! Even Paul considered himself the worse of sinners, and pressed on to complete the task and whatever God had for him. Don't tell yourself you are not good enough, it is a fact. I committed a sin today, but God's grace continued to pour over me. I have to repent and move on, and embrace Christ's finished work, God's free gift of salvation. We traffic grace when we truly understand grace.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:1-2

The Promise of Power is sure. God has given us the Holy Spirit through us repenting, receiving Christ in our lives and baptizing. And to receive the Holy Spirit empowerment, guidance, strength, to know God more, it is really not about me, but all about God. I am weak, I am not righteous, but I am made righteous, I am empowered, I am led, when I surrender. Holy Spirit, thank you for being with me, and for leading me in the past week. I know I sinned today, but I repent, let me fix my gaze on you Jesus, and I want to come into your presence, and go with you in all I do everyday, in the next week, and the rest of the year ahead.

The Promise of a Secure Future. God has already destined us for our inheritance, He calls us His children, His servant, His co-heirs. For my future, does it really matter to know where my job will be, what house or car I'll get, or who I'll marry? Regardless of where I work, if my heart intention is not to fulfill the greatest commandment and the great commission, I am not seeking after God's will. Father Lord, may you lead me on, whichever class, CCA, OCSP, LG, ministry, work I'm in, let my heart be to serve and honor you God.

Even before camp, I felt that God has been calling me to the inner room, and even more strongly then. I came across a sermon that shared almost the same message as "The Call to the Inner Room" sermon. And I really thank God for bringing me into such a moment with Him during the last night of camp. The call to the inner room, it is not a secret physical location, nor is it the length of my prayer.. But it's the tugging at my heart, to answer the call, to come before God every day, every night, to desire to know God, to surrender, to listen, to worship, to commit my worries and desires. I want to commune with you more God. I'm not perfect, there are times that I do not spend quality time, times when I'm caught up with things. But may you be on my heart each day and each moment God.

I've also made some promises to you God. It includes to have a breakthrough, to take the call of the inner room, to take care of my body as your temple, and to be the vessel of your love to all. Let these come to pass as I put another stone down God.

Joseph & Pharoah

I was just reading Genesis 41 and got some serious goosebumps from it!! I shared last time that there were many parallels of Joseph life to Jesus. And there were even more when I read chapter 41 again! Some previous parallels mentioned were that Joseph was the beloved son, but he was betrayed & thrown to the depths, he had 12 brothers (not disciples). And in prison he talked to 2 prisoners, one got hanged, one got restored (just like Jesus talked to one of the criminals on the cross and said he will be with Him in paradise).

So in Genesis 41, Joseph interpreted Pharaoh's dreams, was restored and put in charge of Egypt. 

1. Joseph like Jesus said, "I cannot do it, but God will", as a yielding to the Father and the HS.  

2. Joseph was 30 years old when he entered the service of Pharoah & traveled throughout Egypt (As Jesus entered ministry at the age of 30 & traveled throughout Israel)

3. Joseph stored huge quantities of food till it was uncountable (Wherever God placed Joseph, favor came. It's like proclaiming the Year of the Lord's Favor to Egypt, as Jesus did to the world)

4. And all countries came to Egypt for the food (As all gentiles receive from Israel the good news of Christ)

Cool stuff right? :) What's also cool was some other stuff God spoke to me personally too 

In the chapter God gave Pharaoh 2 dreams. Likewise, God gave me 2 dreams in the past few days including yesterday. One was that I was helplessly unable to answer questions while taking my stats finals, another was that I was helplessly late for stats final from oversleeping. It felt like game over in both dreams.

When God gives prophecies and a word, it is a call to action and to respond. I have been sick for days and could not do much studying, and was also quite distracted (started playing a game too, alamak) When it comes to stats, there are still many questions that I'm confused just from staring at work solutions. However, I wanna do what I can today before the paper tomorrow, and am reminded again to sleep earlier and earlier. 

Another thing I noted was that God indeed makes our paths straight and is the one that appoints us. Pharoah said, 

"Can we find anyone like this man, one in whom is the spirit of God? Since God has made all this known to you, there is no one so discerning and wise as you. You shall be in charge of my palace, and all my people are submit to your orders."

Joseph was just a prisoner before he interpreted for Pharaoh. But Joseph stayed in close fellowship and obedience with God. And just in a moment, God raised him from a prisoner to 2nd-in-charge of Egypt. Let us really desire to be sons/daughters of God, obeying and communing with Him as Jesus does(And God put in Jesus authority and Lordship over all things). God desires to draw us close to Him, help us become who He created us to be & give us good things.

Praise God for these things He can speak through this chapter and may He continue to lead us & do His work in this Christmas! Amen :)

Life of a SMU-GGER // かぞく(Family) // Tuition with Christ

I really should be SMUgging for my midterms now. But I really wanna blog today HAHA

Well to start off with something, I had my first midterms on Monday. I totally flung my stats paper :( It was unexpected because I did arguably more practices than others and also did ample revision. I thought I might even do well, but I ended up finding the paper hard, not knowing how to do questions, and also being careless at some. Well, it is already a thing of the past. I only hope to know why I did unexpectedly badly, and be able to do well for the remaining assignments and the finals.

The journey in SMU hasn’t been easy thus far. I do not regret choosing Biz and taking it at SMU. However, I’ve been struggling to cope with studies and the many commitments I have. I had to drop some of them, but yet I still find studies tough and I’ve not been getting enough rest. There are other troubles as well, and I’ve been getting headaches(Everyday for weeks), a worsening sore throat that’s around for a week(I’m starting to lose my voice and cough), and a really horrible tooth & gum pain after my recent braces tightening. However, I thank God for how he is molding me and pouring His grace in my life in this tough season.

In my Biz Law mod, me and brother Pei Da are in the same class. I was also in the same OG in orientation with him. I’m glad to be journeying in SMU with this brother that I knew since I came to Hope.

For Stats mod, I knew some friends from there. And I’m so glad to have been able to form study sessions and groups with some friends in the class. I also happened to meet Alicia, when I was on the way home from an orientation camp, and we are classmates now. We studied together, and I also invited her for the Ravi Zacharias sharing. I’m glad for this friendship and I’m also glad to know that she is open to know God more.

For Econs mod, I didn’t know anyone and was randomly grouped into a 3 person group, whereas other groups had 4 or 5 people. However, we got to enjoy the journey as we worked together for our project. And I’m so happy to be able to pray and commit our group project together with my group mates just before the presentation :)

In my Leadership & Team-building mod, my prof is a Christian that even mentioned Jesus washing the disciples foot under servant leadership. We were randomized into project groups, and I ended up in the group with Rachel who is also in Hope, and Yu Hang a CCA-mate in JC, they were the only 2 I knew in my class. When I first class participated, my prof also remarked that my name “Joel Isaiah” was very prophetic to the class LOL. She also told me personally that I had a very good attitude. I somehow became the leader of my 8 member group overtime, and it really isn’t easy. I have to balance, to not be the one who forces tasks or directions, but also get everyone to bond and participate together. But I find it a blessing to go through such an experience to lead and God’s been blessing our team and our project greatly. We are even linking with Hope Centre and my mother’s education company for our CSR initiative project.

There were many other things that happened too. I will just mention 3 of them in this post.
The first mention is that I kinda had a fallout with a brother, where we experienced barriers in communicating and relating to each other. There was also tension and a little disappointment when an incident happened unintentionally. However, through the saga, I learned to a deeper extent, that despite of fall outs, conflicts or communication difficulties, love triumphs. As God loves me and always reaches out to me. As I continue to let this brother know that I love and care for him, it can go beyond words. And love never fails, love never gives up. I’m glad for our strengthened friendship as we continue to care for each other and seek God together.

The next mention is that I am cherishing my family much more. I took out time to exercise with my brother, to eat his cooking, to talk and even had one discussion that was from night till sunrise before he flew back to London. My family is going through arguably the toughest season thus far and each of us are facing some of the toughest circumstances. There were tears and weariness, but there were also much care and concern, and we also drew closer to God as a family.

Just before my brother flew off, I initiated for a family LG and we really got to have it. I played guitar for worship for the first time, playing “Heart of Worship”. It was riddled with mistakes, but we were still ministered as we worshiped together. We also looked at a sharing quickly, talked as a family and prayed together. I’m so thankful for this blessed experience and I know that God will continue to watch over us in His love. Though life is really really busy now, I hope to continue to care for and spend time with my family, to keep in contact with my brother in UK, and to continually pray for them.

 The last mention is the 2nd tuition that I got. Before I got it, I did not have a lot financially. As I stayed in contact with some of the brothers and sisters I met in Cambodia, I was moved by their cause and was burdened for their need for providence. In faith, I decided to give out of my pocket and gave $50 to them. I hope that I can continue to give even in the future, and I’m also glad that I’m going back to visit them during my SMU OCSP next year. A while after I gave, an agent contacted me that I got this 2nd tuition job. It was to teach Secondary 3 English. I did not feel prepared, and I felt even more inadequate when I finally had my first lesson with my tutee Wei Qin. He was really studious, and his English isn’t really that bad, yet he somehow failed the previous exam(partly because of the strictness in marking). During the first lesson, I really didn’t know how to teach him English.

However, something very divine happened at my 2nd lesson with Wei Qin today. I was so worried that I cannot properly teach Wei Qin in English, so I asked Jia Jin(a brother in Hope who gives English tuition) if he wants to teach Wei Qin. But it turned out that my new tutee can only afford one lesson per week and he is ok with me to continue to teach him English, Maths and Sciences, even though I felt so inadequate in teaching English. Today we met for a 2.5h tuition, and I went through the essay that I asked him to write in the 1st lesson. It was to share about his experience in secondary school. He was from Whitley Secondary School at Bishan, and when I was in Hope Central in Ablaze, my LG was combined between Kuo Chuan(my secondary school) and Whitley. In his essay, he talked about being bullied, and he was so depressed till he even thought of taking his life a few times. He also cried out to God to help him even though he wasn't 'religious'. He didn't write on about whether God did help him. Although his perspective differs from mine, we both went through similar experiences of being bullied when we entered secondary school and we both cried out to God.

I haven't got to share about my experience to encourage him and to tell him about God's love, but I will next week. Furthermore, the English assessment that I gave to him is really helping him. Today I was really able to connect with him, and teach him effectively in both English and Maths. It was by God's grace as I have not touched the O level maths syllabus since O’s, and I was feeling so inadequate to teach English previously. I taught him longer than required, from 2.5 to almost 3.5 hours. And he also treated me to Starbucks. I want to continue to invest in this tutee's life, and more than anything, to bring him to know God's love and receive Christ in his life in the days to come :) Praise God

That’s not everything that happened, but I’ll stop here. I’m also having a headache now, and I still have that bad mouth pain and sore throat. Do pray for my health and rest. I’ll go back to studying and to QT-ing later :) See ya

Lamplight

This season hasn't easy for me. While I constantly know at the back of my mind that God is with me through it all, I was slowly keeping less in step with the Spirit. It is much easier to succumb, to be flooded by all the work, commitments and r/s, there's worries like in my r/s with my family, existing problems and my finances etc. Things have been getting quite hard to manage as I lagged behind even in some school work and I've not been getting enough rest. I've not been spending quality time with God very regularly and feel away from God's intimate love at times.

Along the road to my house, there is one street lamp that is spoilt, but I never took notice of it before. Last midnight as I trudged home with my heavy baggage and weariness after Uni-Y camp, I approached this spoilt lamp. Just before I passed it, it suddenly flared up and shone really brightly.. I wondered at this occurrence and took a photo. I believed it to be a sign that meant something, but the light went off suddenly after a while.

Tonight when I was reaching home, I was on my phone as I walked down this road to my house. Just when I approached this lamp(not realizing it was spoilt), it suddenly flared up really brightly again!! It shone much brighter than the rest again and I was stunned. As I marveled again, it reminded me of God's love. It felt as if God is saying to me,

"Even if it's dark, even if it's weary, even if you can't really see, I am Your light. I will shine for you, it is not just My Word that is a lamp unto you feet, I Myself will be Your light because I love you."

It reminded me of Ps Benny Ho's sermon too, where it is shared that people get burnt out in life when their motivation is doing good, getting achievements, fulfilling the great commission.. anything. The only thing that can keep them burning brightly is when they are driven by God's unchanging love.

And I just felt God's unchanging and relentless love through this small street lamp encounters. Though I may not be fully filled and rested in His love, and I may feel burnt out like that spoilt lamp, He will yet burn that lamp on brightly for me Himself, because He loves me.. He loves you too, and I pray that your life may be filled with it as you continue to look to Him in all things :)