As I recently looked back in my life, even during the mission trip at
Cambodia, I came to understand deeper, what my greatest disappointment
and struggle has been. It was from before I came to know Christ, and goes on even till now. God has filled my heart regarding this struggle soooo much, but I still
can’t deny that it hurts. I don’t know how long this will continue to be
a struggle to me.
I called this post D+S as I saw YWAM DTS (Disciple Training School)
during my Cambodia mission trip. People who want to live their lives
more for God and His commission joined it, and I’m sure they have their
D(Disappointments) + S(Struggles), but they follow Christ above it all.
My greatest D+S is feeling misunderstood and under-appreciated by others.
From
young, I was slightly autistic or socially awkward. Adding upon that, I
was in China for 4 years from 9 to 13 years old, transferring
between 4 different local schools during my stay. When I was back in SG,
studying at St. Gabriels Sec Sch, I could not communicate effectively
with students there, and was ostracized and bullied a lot. I did not
have the same music interests as others, I did not have the general
knowledge, I did not know their TV shows, and I wasn’t really keen to
know their interests and knowledge more, as I have my own interests and
knowledge that I grew upon from young. It didn't help that I also had hearing loss that affected my communication with others. My family was also close to being dysfunctional and divorced then. My
mum was still working overseas, my dad always worked late into the night,
and my brother was always out. I did not really get to confide about
what I went through with my family while studying in St. Gabs.
By God’s grace, I
transferred to Kuo Chuan Presbyterian Sec Sch in Sec 2, the students
there did not really bully me, but I still had difficulty with
communicating. I often have miscommunications with others. I came to know Christ
in Hope in Sec 2. However, my Church friends were not intentional to
talk to me. I would even feel lonely and ostracized when I was there with them at
times. But what kept me going, was how personally God loved me. I spent
Quiet Time with God daily and continued going Hope.
In JC, I communicated better, but
still had difficulties communicating. I’m really grateful though, for
my SALG family in Hope. They were intentional and warm to welcome me,
and we continued to study, serve and spur each other as we do life
together. It was in JC that I had a greater spiritual awakening in my
walk with God, as more people in my spiritual family started to speak into my
life. I continued to served God, to sow on people and to mentor Shaun in JC.
However it was a shock to me, that when a new SALG core team
was formed, I was not in it. One of them only became more active in seeking and serving God recently,
before he suddenly became a core team member. Whereas, I felt that I had a heart for the
LG and for people God placed in my life. I was quite hurt then, however
the SALG fellowship continued to blossom and we are still so close
together even after these years. We joke, share our struggles and
testimonies, chat daily and meet up spontaneously or for birthdays. It
really is a God-given community that I’ll treasure dearly.
When I
was in NS, I was happy to be in this new all guys ministry. I met many
guys who are special, who are jokers, who are not afraid to express
themselves as they are and accept others as they are. Though sometimes,
we may not be that intentional, or may not have that much time to spend
with each other, it was great to be in a community where we can accept
each other as being guys, and joke about as we shared our lives.
I
was yet not a good communicator, and there were invisible but tangible
communication barriers between me and some people(at least earlier on)
in my NS LG because of this. In my NS army camp too, I was often
misunderstood to even be stupid? Misunderstood to be a chao keng soldier
as I fell sick quite often during a period of time and have some
medical conditions. I was reprimanded for my work attitude and under-appreciated, though I took most ownership of my work among my NSF
section mates and desired to glorify God in it.
I was surprised
to join SEAL LGL training while in NS, and was humble to learn from
other brothers and sisters. I wondered how I would be able to lead a LG
but was willing to be a vessel as I went through SEAL. In my LG, Caleb
also joined SEAL, and he expressed previously that he was not keen to
lead in the NS group. However, after SEAL, Caleb rose up as an LGL for
my LG, and the 3 other SEAL NS guys rose up too. I told myself that it
is ok, that these 4 brothers are appointed and enough for NS ministry at
the moment, and God also has plans for me at wherever I am. However,
when Caleb stepped down, I was still not given the opportunity to lead
or co-lead the LG. Vincent instead lead the LG, though he was already an
Unit Leader. I was confused, but I just waited and continued to seek and serve
God at my capacity, and love those around me.
A near death blow came
after I ORD-ed. It was as I went for NS Ministry camp. I shared more
about it in “Steadfast Joy” post. In summary, various things happened then
that made me questioned God, why did things have to happen this way? Why
was I under-appreciated in the ministry? Why did Jordan suddenly rose
up as the ORD LGL instead of me? Why did all my sheep or friends I sow
on just suddenly not come? Except for one, who also unintentionally
forgot about the camp appreciation night. Why did my playing for worship
just suddenly turned for the worst in the live session? Why wasn’t I
given more opportunity to serve in the camp? I broke down and became more and more
lifeless and joyless than ever, even though it was a Church camp. I
wanted to serve more, however I could, but I could not serve genuinely
at all. I wanted to worship with my all, but I could not. My head was
just filled with why? Why? WHY? As I shared to Vincent about it at the
end of the camp, I broke down and cried really hard. It was the closest
to backsliding I ever felt, as I almost felt like walking away and
disconnecting myself from the ministry then.
Various brothers
and sisters heard me out, and were there for me then, I really
appreciated them all. Jordan, Pei Da, Shing Chun, Vincent, Zuoen, Mandy,
Ernest.. However, even after knowing that all pain, all sin will be gone
when Jesus returns and I have full consummation and fellowship with Him again, it didn’t
help me with the hurt I felt. It didn’t give me a steadfast joy that
could cover over it. I still felt lifeless at times, not really able to
serve at times, wanting to be in isolation and wanting to cry at times.. However, God just assured me
and restored me so powerfully as He told me how precious and loved I
am as a Child of His, as I listened to No Longer Slaves by Bethel
repeatedly.
Even then, this D+S still haunt me, and can hurt a
lot at times, like when I saw PD, Jordan and Jun Lin rising up in the
NS ministry some time back, though they are in the SEAL batch 1 year
after me. When I asked Vincent about why I wasn’t given the opportunity
to lead or co-lead at all, he told me that I was prideful. And it is true, I
may be prideful. But I felt that I was also being misunderstood and
under-appreciated. Like at times when I have differing opinions with
others, but would talk about it and not force my way. Like how I always
initiate, prepare and plan for most birthdays, and was intentional to
relate to brothers in the LG, serve and sow on others, but felt under-appreciated.
Most
recently during my Cambodia missions, even during games with my team,
one of my teammates got really mad and the others also got irritated,
when I played the game with an unconventional, unheard of strategy. When they heard
me out, they realized that it works too. Another time, me and a teammate had different
rules for a same game, we talked about it, and then tried both. Another time, my teammates all like potato chips as snacks, but I really don’t like potato chips and rather crackers, so I persuaded them to get a can of
crackers along with the cans of pringles. Another time, we were
discussing about visiting Ang Kor Wat (Temple), and I was the only one
who was not keen, as it is a temple with idolatry. However, I only asked about whether
it would be a nice tourist spot and just went ahead with my team.
A
teammate asked me during a life sharing session if I was somebody who likes to insist on his ways
over others. I explained that I wasn’t, that if our opinions differ, I
would talk about it, but I would still go with what the others choose if
it is what they chose in the end. For when we played games, we still
play the other way, when we bought snacks, we still bought mostly potato chips over crackers, and though I wasn’t keen, we still
went to Ang Kor Wat. Though he only wanted to know, I cannot deny that I
was affected.
Though my interests, opinions and thoughts may
differ from others a lot, like in listening to mostly jap and worship songs, not
knowing most English songs and shows, and having little general knowledge, I do
not insist on my ways. I don’t enjoy Karaoke cuz it lacks jap and
worship songs, but I would still go. I don’t rock climb, but I went to
climb a few times with a friend I’m sowing on. I may have different views
from many people, I may have less knowledge in some things that others
know more about, and more in things that others may not know, I may have
different interests, but this does not make me wrong, prideful or
insistent in my ways at times when I differ from what others
think.
However, God again reminded me of how precious I am to
be a Child of His, to be in communion with Him, to serve Him at
whatever position I’m in through devotions this morning.
Even if I may be misunderstood or under-appreciated at times, I am who I
am by God’s grace, I’m still serving and loving Christ where and how I
can. Indeed I can be of good cheer even as an “unknown worker” or amid
the lows, for I have fellowship with Christ, and when He writes His
chronicles, my name shall be recorded. I am fearfully and wonderfully
made in Christ, and my life is His.
And indeed, how much has Christ humbled Himself! As I reflected on my
D+S, I got a fuller picture of His deep love for us. Out of His love, he
humbled himself to relate with the lowly, to wash our foot, to serve,
even when He may not be appreciated and acknowledged. And even by His
own people, He is blasphemed, persecuted, discredited, misunderstood for
who He is, and He endured it all, taking it to the Cross.. In our
hurts, when we feel under-appreciated and misunderstood, we have Christ
to look to. But when Christ went through this for us, who had He to
look? He is secured in the Father, but even at the Cross, he experienced
such grief as to shout “My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?”. He
went through so much for me, surely He knows this struggle that I have.
Oh how can I ever compare? May I ever be in awe of His love and this
communion I have with Him.
This D+S may not just vanish, I may yet not
be a good communicator, I may yet be different from others, I may yet be
under-appreciated and misunderstood. But my Heavenly Father knows it
all, Christ went through it more, and the Spirit sets me free, crying
out from within that I am a Child of God. Yes I am, I am a Child of
God.. :)
